I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
