My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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