apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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