I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
