I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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