Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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