I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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