He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
