After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
