sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
