Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
