remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
