I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I need water and some morals
Randomize
