when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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