Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
