I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize