i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
