I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
