Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
i already hear my dad disowning me
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
