Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Randomize
