hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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