she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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