Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
