Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
