so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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