and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
