Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
