You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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