I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
