why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
