Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
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