i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
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