I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
