omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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