Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
