i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize