I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
