I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
