i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
