he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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