my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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