I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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