i need an iv and a liver transplant
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
