every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
