Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
