Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
