went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
