I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
