Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
