I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
