No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
