anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
