YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
