I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
