They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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