Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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