I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
