If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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