Im at strip club and am horny
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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