I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
