No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
