went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
